1. Thinking hard about whether or not to wash my hands after using the bathroom either because a) no one is there to see me do it or b) there IS someone there, but I didn’t do anything that necessitated hand-washing. Like, maybe I was just reapplying deodorant or touching up my loyal tube of red lipstick.
*side note: I always run water when I’m peeing at a love interest’s house. Always.
2. Quickly signing off Facebook chats when people I don’t want to talk to contact me. Or realistically, in pretense just in case. I’m a Girl scout at heart, it’s best to be prepared.
3. Liking Lorde. Fuck. I said it. If I have to listen to the radio which I never do by choice, but IF I HAVE TO, and she comes on… I dig it. Then I remember she’s 17 & just won a grammy. Then… I remember what I was doing at 17. (not winning a grammy) Then…I think of what I’m doing now. Fuck.
4. Answering “What did you do last night?” With: I went out for a “couple glasses of wine.” Seriously? The way my mouth automatically regurgitates this response sometimes makes me blush. What I really mean is: I met some friends for a gluttonous dinner and a “couple glasses of wine” I regretted paying for, decided to go see a show, then ended up with 5 beers, 3 shots of whisky and a tequila shot for good measure.
5. I have an acute disdain for : people that use a photo of themselves as their cover photo on facebook. Because your profile picture just wasn’t enough, was it? It was. I promise.
6. Telling people I’m sick when I really just don’t feel like picking out something to wear/drawing characters I’ve made up in my head and/or stuck in a Netflix abyss.
7. Hating actors/actresses based on one role they played, once, in like 1995. My 8 yr old self really liked you in Buffy but I’m sorry Sarah Michelle Gellar, I will never forgive you for causing Sebastian’s death. You’re an evil spawn from hell.
8. Leaving that roll of toilet paper on the sink instead of taking the two seconds out of my day to put it on its wheel.
9. The first thing my eyes & mind subconsciously do when entering that aforementioned love interest’s room for the first time is scope out their bookshelf. If they don’t have one, or if it’s infested with Dean Koontz novels I hightail it the hell out of there. I suddenly have to organize my makeup kit for an early consultation, or say I want to get married and have 2.5 babies.
10. I feel momentary dread whenever someone says, “Hold on, say hi to [your name here]!” and hands me the phone without any warning.
11. II’ll peep through your phone. And by “peep” I’ll investigate like Holmes. Look, any girl that says she’s never looked through a guys phone is LYING. That’s the same girl that said she never touched herself in high school. You set unrealistic expectations. Come on. Grow a pair. You did it, You liked it.
12. Wanting Christmas presents from my family, even though I’m really just agnostic and a tad too damned old to deserve any.
13. Cutting people off in conversation when I have something to say that is just SO. PRESSING. (and I know where you’re going with that story, so let’s just cut to the chase, shall we?)
14. Saying hi and having a force-talk with people I secretly don’t like. I swear, this is a recent development. Southern hospitality has penetrated my veins.
15. Dreaming about having sex with someone I hate in real life. Get out of my dreams, enemy! Let me dream fuck someone I actually care about.
16. I feel a haze of shame when I think about my ex. Or drunkenly text him. Or think about the way he used to need me. The way I need him now that he doesn’t. .
17.. As I’m writing this, I’m keenly aware that those that don’t know me will get the impression I’m a late 20 something, alcoholic, nymphomaniac. But I’m not. (Except for the age part at least)I swear. “Scouts honor” I’m a girlscout remember?